Life is my Buffet. Or not.

"This is a question I'd usually save for an interview," she said, "but is this what you really want to do?
Because, with going to Mongolia and China and all that--when you get a job, you can't just get up and go places."

 I wanted to reply, "You have no IDEA how many people have said that to me."

Sometimes it's phrased differently.

"Why would you want to teach back home?"

"After you settle down it's really hard to change."

"How will you meet somebody?"

"You have to travel while you're young!"
"Once you're on your own, there's no going back."

All somewhat different messages, but basically the same:
YOLO while you can.

I'm supposed to have GOALS and DREAMS and DESIRES and towards these ends I must run or I will TRAGICALLY WASTE MY YOUTH.

This means, Laura, figure out exactly what you want so you can accomplish it before you die--or before you settle down with a man and have babies (the way it's phrased, sometimes death and marriage sound like the same thing).

So, Laura, what do you want?

It shouldn't be a hard question to answer. It's what people have been asking me since I was old enough to talk, right?
What do you want to be when you grow up?

Now I'm a grown up. What do I WANT?

Hm.
I want to eat chocolate.

I want to buy a puppy that doesn't require upkeep.

I want to teach in America and have a magical closet that takes me to China for dinner every night.
I want the world's cutest apartment with someone to mow my lawn. And I want it to be cheap so that I can also buy organic groceries and have leftover money to take roadtrips every other weekend.
I want a perfect group of friends.
I want to invest somewhere but have no attachments or responsibilities.

I want to be taken seriously with a minimal amount of work to show for it.
I want every whim that crosses my mind to materialize before me in all of its whimsical glory.

Does reading that make you want to vomit? This is why I don't like to think too hard about what I want--it reveals the selfish side of me that would like everything to be easy (which would, in turn, make me a bored narcissist, leading to more ridiculous desires and more boredom).
Goals and dreams are good.
Just thinking about what I WANT is not.

I am an unattached graduate and I want to teach somewhere.

Life is my buffet, right?

But it's not.

Let's illustrate it this way:
I have a lot of stomach problems, right? Yes, yes I do. Everybody knows that.
Sometimes when I go to an unfamiliar restaurant, the server plops a big, confusing menu in my lap that sends me into a mild panic. There are plenty of fine-looking options listed on that fat, fancy menu, but they aren't all they seem. I could easily eat something that tastes good--like pizza--and end up with a stomachache that ruins my evening, or I could order a salad, which isn't quite as delicious, and probably not feel as bad but also not be as satisfied--especially if it's made with iceberg lettuce (which is the biggest fraud ever labeled as food. Who the heck gets full eating iceberg lettuce? NOBODY. Anyway.)
With any decision, I'm taking a gamble.

My life feels like that right now, on a larger scale.
If I choose wrong, will I ruin everything? Which choice is pizza and which choice is salad?

My ideas of what I WANT to do have changed quite a bit over the last few years--so I know that they aren't the best way to gauge what my wisest choice would be. Generally the best decisions for me aren't what I wanted to do in the first place.

Over the last year, I grew from anger over having to stay in Sevierville, to acceptance, to applying to Sevier County schools and being excited about it, to going to Mongolia, to wanting to live overseas again, to feeling very compelled to teach here for a while.

I very rarely want what's right in front of me, even if I know it's the right choice.
It's like eating a plate of apples while glaring at a picture of cake.

Let's also consider how difficult it is to land a good teaching job.
You have to make connections, put yourself out there, go through ballet tryouts, bake seventeen prize-winning pies, cut off your left pinky finger, burn yourself alive at the stake, clean all the school hallways with a toothbrush, sing karaoke in the parking lot, talk to a lot of different people, and know the deepest, darkest secrets of all the cafeteria ladies.
I added some things to that list, but I bet if you did all of it you'd have a better chance at being a memorable candidate.

Seriously, though, this is my logical reasoning for deciding to search for a job close to home:
It's easiest for me to make connections here, and I figure I need to start somewhere.
Teaching in a school system for a while--regardless of hoops--will give me valuable experience to add to my repertoire.
I've heard positive reviews of schools here, and based on my substituting experience, it seems like a good place to be mentored and to grow as a new teacher.
I don't feel pulled anywhere else.
I have a sense of peace about going in this direction.
It doesn't mean I'm incapable of EVER going ANYWHERE again--and if I am supposed to go somewhere else, the Lord will make it apparent. His timing and methods are perfect, as I have seen more than once.

Yes, veteran teacher friends, I hear you groaning and telling me to run while I can.
Maybe when I'm 26 I'll quit and start working as a zumba instructor.
You know, if I feel like it.