Yikes.
It's been a while since I posted anything.
But I'm a teacher and it's May and I'm getting married in a month and a half, so I've been a little scattered.
SORRY.
This post is neither about the wedding nor about teaching.
It's another one about anxiety.
I've been aware of my anxiety issues since the summer before I went to China, when my body was doing weird things, like giving me nerve-shocking sensations that made me believe I was dying.
I was not, in fact, dying, I was simply moving to Asia with a bunch of people I'd never met.
I had six weeks of miserable adjustment, and then I learned how to deal with things.
Since then, I've been able to see more correlations between my brain and other symptoms, like stomachaches and leg cramps.
I probably have a generalized anxiety disorder.
A lot of people do.
Hilariously enough, this didn't translate when I started having panic attacks last summer. Once again, I thought I was dying, but it should've been obvious.
Here's a recap for those who don't know.
It had been a rough year of teaching.
I was in a sudden and serious relationship.
I went to six freaking cities in Europe in less than a month.
I MEAN.
COME ON.
But by the second week in Europe, it had escalated into panic disorder.
See, here's what happened:
My body had learned to respond my brain's constant anxious thoughts. It had gotten so used to doing this--for a year--that it had started going into fight-or-flight mode when there was nothing to be afraid of. This led to panic attacks. And after a while, I became afraid of myself because I didn't know how to control the panic, so I was in a constant state of
I MUST AVOID STIMULATION OR I WILL SURELY GO MAD AND DIE.
Not wanting to go places or do things that may cause high anxiety is called agoraphobia. It happens to a lot of people who have a couple of panic attacks close together.
It makes sense.
Anyway, I had this agoraphobia which made it really hard to even leave the house. It was...discouraging.
Conveniently enough, my dad is a doctor. He started me on Zoloft. The initial symptoms were AWWWFULLLL, but it did help me level out so that I could think more clearly.
Then I started counseling, and it was SUCH A SMART THING TO DO.
My counselor helped me make sense of what was going on. She helped me take a step back so that I could see all the problems through the lens of logic.
(Sidenote: Everyone should get counseling. All the time. For everything. It's the best. I watch movies now and think to myself, "All of this would've been solved if they'd gotten counseling! THERAPY FOR EVERYONE!")
I learned that the brain is an extremely malleable thing, and that our thoughts become pathways that are easier to go down every time we think them. Because our bodies respond to our thoughts--we cry when we're sad, tense up when we're mad, and so forth--having anxious, negative thoughts all the time can really take it's toll on our health and sanity. Our brains go down the anxiety pathway more and more quickly, and our bodies follow suit, like Cogsworth running after angry Beast.
And I, someone who is already a slight perfectionist/hypochondriac/overthinker, was pre-disposed to fall into panic with all these stressful thoughts.
My thought life looked like this:
My great and fabulous and awesome counselor gave me tools to deal with panic attacks so that I wouldn't have to fear them so much, and we came up with steps to follow whenever I started to feel an attack coming.
Wanna know what the steps are?
GREAT, I KNEW YOU WOULD.
1) Belly breathe, which literally triggers the calming part of the brain.
2) Identify and accept how you feel rather than resisting it. I call this "hugging your emotions so that they go away".
3) Cry if you need to cry, dangit.
4) Move slowly, but keep moving.
5) Remind yourself that the panic will go away.
6) EAT SOMETHING.
More important than knowing these steps is taking care of my mind in between. Having quiet times of meditation is key. So is identifying negative thoughts and combatting them as quickly as possible.
Most important, though, is actually praying about my thoughts. God has told us to take our thoughts captive to Christ because he KNOWS that if we do this, our sense of His authority over everything will increase, which will make us calmer about circumstances we can't control. If we get into the habit of this, we will develop healthy thought patterns to replace the anxious ones.
Of course, doing that is the hardest part.
Dunno why.
Since last August, I've only had one true panic attack, which was in January. It was over within an hour, and I went about my day after that.
Maybe that was because of the Zoloft. Maybe it was because I hugged my emotions and followed my steps.
I fully weaned off of Zoloft about three weeks ago, and I haven't really noticed a difference.
Yes, I still have anxious thoughts and edgy days, but now I understand my thinking and know that they will pass. I am truly afraid of having a panic attack on my wedding day or on the flight to our honeymoon, but you know what? That will pass, too.
I'll probably go through periods of panic disorder throughout my life in the way that lots of people go through periods of depression.
I know I've written about this subject a lot, but I guess I wanted to write about it again because I thought that maybe someone out there would need to hear that it's ok to struggle with these things.
A lot of people who seem normal have issues with anxiety.
A lot of people need medication for it at some point in their lives.
It is possible to deal with it.
Good therapists are your friends.
And in the end, looking to the Lord is better than anything.
