I'm Not Sorry

Question: How was your day?

Response #1: It was ok.

Interpretation: Nobody died. I fulfilled my duty.

Response #2: Hahahahahaha.

Interpretation: I'm laughing so I won't cry, but in about an hour I'll think of today as a really great story.

Response #3: IT WAS AWFUL.

Interpretation: I'm a firm believer in honesty.

Response #4: IT WAS GREAT.

Interpretation: Somebody said thank you, I got a hug, children helped each other without me asking them to, and I drank ALL my coffee!

Question: How's your first semester going?

Response #1: It's ok.

Interpretation: I'm still breathing and most organs are continuing to function normally.

Response #2: I'm learning a lot!

Interpretation: ...about body fluids, conflict resolution, and how to make the English language sound logical when it actually makes no sense.

Response #3: It's been really hard, but I love my job.

Interpretation: I go through a lot of mood swings and would probably do well with some counseling right now. I love my children and get an unhealthy sense of satisfaction whenever I throw paper away. I'm also accidentally using the words "butthole", "fart", and "stupid" around other adults with increasing frequency because most of my social time is spent with eleven-year-olds (to whom I do not say "butthole", "fart", and "stupid" unless I want to start a classroom uprising).

Statement: Wow, you're getting home late.

Response: Yeah.

Interpretation: Late. So home. Food time? Look this thing on end of my arm. Have five nubs. Called "and". And is conjunction. Conjunction connect words. It the English teach. Food? And. Late. Nubs.

Question: What do you do in your free time?

Response: I don't have much free time, but sometimes I like to go on walks, or bake, or hang out with friends.

Interpretation: My free time is spent feeling guilty that I'm not doing something school-related. I go for walks so I can remember what outside feels like. When I get stressed out, I bake or sit on facebook for unholy amounts of time while thinking about my children and telling myself I'm inadequate. Everyone says I should get a boyfriend. I don't remember what that is.

Question: Do you like your school?

Response: Yeah! It's a little crazy, but I like my students and the people I work with!

Interpretation: It's probably not healthy to spend fifty hours a week under fluorescent lights. Thankfully, I can't differentiate smells anymore and the people around me tell funny jokes.

Question: Are you excited about Christmas Break?

Response: OH YEAH.

Interpretation #1: I need to pay someone to make sure I don't leave the country.

Interpretation #2: I hope I get lots of money so I can buy more pencils.

Interpretation #3: ROADTRIP.

Interpretation #4: Siiiiilent tiiiime. Sleeeep all niiiight. All is caaaaalm. No flooourescent liiiights. Round, fresh cooookies, ready and hot. Tender sofa so fluffy and soooooffft. Sleep in paperless peeeeeaaace. Sleep in paperless peeeeeeeeeeaaaaace. 

Or I might follow this list that I found at school.

Most of you know that this year hasn't been easy.

Usually, your first year as a "regular" teacher isn't.

I've been in rural, urban, and foreign classrooms, but this has been the hardest teaching job by far.

The great part about challenges, though, is that they make it easier to see beauty, cultivate deep relationships, and grow into someone better.

I have no doubt that each of my students is in my room for a reason, whether to be taught or to teach me. 

Someone recently told me, "I'm sorry you're having such a hard year." 

The response that dropped out of my mouth surprised me. 

"I'm not," I said. "I'm not sorry."

Teaching During the Holidays

Teaching during the holidays is like: 

herding cats and trying to count all of their fleas.

swimming with 23 toothless piranhas.

(they won't kill you, but they will gum the heck out of you) 

having a wrestling match with a swarm of mosquitos.

putting a leash on a tornado.

swimming in a pool full of lemon jello.

giving a Tasmanian Devil a bath.

training goldfish to jump through a hoop of fire.

running through a field of porcupines. In shorts.

holding two dozen helium balloons underwater.

climbing a mountain with flippers.

crossing Niagara Falls on a tightrope while carrying three backpacks.

eating popcorn with braces.

clipping a tiger's fingernails.

putting zombies behind the wheel of a car.

playing floor-is-lava with a litter of puppies.

giving monkeys a bottle of wine before asking them to write an essay.

My brain has melted like a popsicle.
I swear the children have become magnetically attracted to the floor.
Nobody remembers how to do anything.
I've forgotten what quiet sounds like.
Paper covers every surface of my classroom.
Everyone has to go to the bathroom all. the. time.

And, yes, there is a reason why I didn't put a Christmas tree up in my room.

One more day of school. Just one.

This is the block of fudge I devoured after the kids left last Wednesday.
I have no shame. Or sanity.