I'm Not Sorry

Question: How was your day?

Response #1: It was ok.

Interpretation: Nobody died. I fulfilled my duty.

Response #2: Hahahahahaha.

Interpretation: I'm laughing so I won't cry, but in about an hour I'll think of today as a really great story.

Response #3: IT WAS AWFUL.

Interpretation: I'm a firm believer in honesty.

Response #4: IT WAS GREAT.

Interpretation: Somebody said thank you, I got a hug, children helped each other without me asking them to, and I drank ALL my coffee!

Question: How's your first semester going?

Response #1: It's ok.

Interpretation: I'm still breathing and most organs are continuing to function normally.

Response #2: I'm learning a lot!

Interpretation: ...about body fluids, conflict resolution, and how to make the English language sound logical when it actually makes no sense.

Response #3: It's been really hard, but I love my job.

Interpretation: I go through a lot of mood swings and would probably do well with some counseling right now. I love my children and get an unhealthy sense of satisfaction whenever I throw paper away. I'm also accidentally using the words "butthole", "fart", and "stupid" around other adults with increasing frequency because most of my social time is spent with eleven-year-olds (to whom I do not say "butthole", "fart", and "stupid" unless I want to start a classroom uprising).

Statement: Wow, you're getting home late.

Response: Yeah.

Interpretation: Late. So home. Food time? Look this thing on end of my arm. Have five nubs. Called "and". And is conjunction. Conjunction connect words. It the English teach. Food? And. Late. Nubs.

Question: What do you do in your free time?

Response: I don't have much free time, but sometimes I like to go on walks, or bake, or hang out with friends.

Interpretation: My free time is spent feeling guilty that I'm not doing something school-related. I go for walks so I can remember what outside feels like. When I get stressed out, I bake or sit on facebook for unholy amounts of time while thinking about my children and telling myself I'm inadequate. Everyone says I should get a boyfriend. I don't remember what that is.

Question: Do you like your school?

Response: Yeah! It's a little crazy, but I like my students and the people I work with!

Interpretation: It's probably not healthy to spend fifty hours a week under fluorescent lights. Thankfully, I can't differentiate smells anymore and the people around me tell funny jokes.

Question: Are you excited about Christmas Break?

Response: OH YEAH.

Interpretation #1: I need to pay someone to make sure I don't leave the country.

Interpretation #2: I hope I get lots of money so I can buy more pencils.

Interpretation #3: ROADTRIP.

Interpretation #4: Siiiiilent tiiiime. Sleeeep all niiiight. All is caaaaalm. No flooourescent liiiights. Round, fresh cooookies, ready and hot. Tender sofa so fluffy and soooooffft. Sleep in paperless peeeeeaaace. Sleep in paperless peeeeeeeeeeaaaaace. 

Or I might follow this list that I found at school.

Most of you know that this year hasn't been easy.

Usually, your first year as a "regular" teacher isn't.

I've been in rural, urban, and foreign classrooms, but this has been the hardest teaching job by far.

The great part about challenges, though, is that they make it easier to see beauty, cultivate deep relationships, and grow into someone better.

I have no doubt that each of my students is in my room for a reason, whether to be taught or to teach me. 

Someone recently told me, "I'm sorry you're having such a hard year." 

The response that dropped out of my mouth surprised me. 

"I'm not," I said. "I'm not sorry."