Mr. Hyde, the Perfectionist

"Do you still walk like a duck sometimes?"

Josh's question confused me until I remembered what he was referring to.

"Walk like a duck? OH. No, I don't! Isn't that great??!"

Last year, I'd usually be at school until five or six o'clock, and I'd get so stressed out that my leg muscles would lock up. My pirate-duck walk down the hallway from my classroom to the copier would have been funny to watch most days if I wasn't simultaneously clenching my teeth and whispering, "I can't, I can't, I can't."

I haven't done that this year.

I also haven't had any post-parent-call tears, eat-a-sleeve-of-cookies-in-ten-minutes fits of rage, or Friday afternoon head-against-the-whiteboard-in-sheer-hopeless-exhaustion moments either.

I've been thankful for my job every day this year. My new school feels like a community, and most everyone wants to be there. If things don't happen as planned, nobody breaks a sweat. It's just the kind of place I've wanted to work in

So why do I still feel some anxiety?

My counselor has helped me understand that I struggle with perfectionism, which I wouldn't have guessed. In my mind, perfectionists did everything, you know, perfectly. My room is kind of messy, I spend too much time on facebook, my lessons are more spur-of-the-moment than they are scripted. How in the Sam Hill could I be considered a perfectionist?

My counselor, of course, has seen this many times, and she pulled out a list that explained all of my feelings. 

Like these:

#6 Fear of Rejection. If you reject me, it proves that there's something wrong with me. 

#15 Emotional Perfectionism. I should always feel happy, confident, and in control.

#21 Magical Thinking. If I worry enough, everything will turn out okay.

Deep down, my problem is that I want to make everyone happy. I have the idea that if I make everyone happy, everyone will like me, and I will be loved an accepted by society on the basis of my ability to be the best person there ever was, ever. 

A lot of people have this problem.

The problem with this problem is that all the human beings on earth are different, which means that their expectations, too, are different. Eventually I always disappoint someone, which is the point in time where the Mr. Hyde who lives in my brain starts to give me a lecture about how awful I am.

"You aren't good enough, you messed up, you're stupid, you won't succeed, and everyone can see your flaws--you poor, hyper-sensitive, lazy, stupid, ugly, pathetic human, you."

This even happens when I don't even necessarily disappoint someone. 

It strikes when I drive slowly and see someone on my tail, when I don't eat something at a group dinner because it'll make me sick, when I talk to someone without smiling, or even when I forget to lock my car door when I go somewhere with Josh. 

Yup. Classic Perfectionism.

After digging up my personal Mr. Hyde during my last counseling session, I also discovered that my perfectionism spills into my relationship with God.

My counselor asked, "Do you really believe that God is good?"

Well. Hm.

Do I really believe that He loves me?

Maybe I don't believe it as much as I thought I did, because my sometimes my walk with Him feels more like a list of works than a loving relationship.

Examples:

Sometimes I beat myself up for listening to secular music in the car.

I'll tell myself that I don't pray enough, or that I don't pray correctly, and I'll avoid praying because it reminds me of my perceived inability to be a proper Christian.

I see my achievements as God working through me, and my failures as a result of a personal problem that I need to fix.

On my own.

By myself.

Maybe with the help of the internet.

I know my flaws, and I want to cure them with essential oils, deep breathing, eating correctly, going for walks, and listening to less-than-completely-vulgar music.

But maybe...just maybe...the perfectionist Mr. Hyde who lives in my head is there for a reason.

Maybe I'm not supposed to be able to fix my own flaws.

Listening to the voice of my self-guilt obviously hasn't helped me (I don't know about you, but panic attacks and extra stomach issues aren't what I consider becoming more perfect) and I doubt that it ever will.

So--to all the other perfectionists out there who didn't realize that you don't have to have OCD-like-tendencies to be a perfectionists--I SEE YOU. I understand your need to feel accepted. I know that compliments don't cut it when you don't believe them. I bet that, if the two of us sat down for coffee, we could give each other advice about self-acceptance until we're blue in the face, and then neither of us would go home and practice it.

God is the only one who can take care of our anxiety and insatiable to please others. He is also the only one who will accept us with our flaws and who loves our need for Him.