August

Three weeks ago, I started working at a new school.
This year I'm a reading intervention teacher, which means I'll be working with small groups on different grade levels.
Which was the perfect setup for post-Europe-panicky-Laura.
It meant that, in the midst of getting myself balanced, I didn't have to prepare a classroom (just a desk!), fret about parents, or pore over new curriculum. Not that this position will be a walk in the park, but I don't think I could have come up with a better situation for right now.

I have, of course, had my kids on my mind as the new school year started.
My fifth--now sixth--graders in Pigeon Forge.
My eighth--now tenth--graders in Mongolia.
My second--now fifth--graders in China.
Pictures of them are all over my new desk space.

August went by at turtle-speed, and I don't remember much of it.
I had a birthday, moved schools, and readjusted to life--mostly with the help of Boyfriend (also known as J Money).

This poor boy stood by me in my less-than-dignified moments...such as when he found me crying in my room on my birthday, because I was still adjusting to my medication and I COULD NOT decide what to wear to dinner and I was scared that I'd have a panic attack in whatever restaurant we were going to.

He's been patient in my times of high anxiety and he's helped me push my boundaries back out in a healthy way. He knows that the worst things anyone can hear during a panic attack are, "What's wrong with you? Snap out of it. Everything is fine!"
Those are the words already going through my head when I'm anxious, and they only make me feel crazy and guilty because everyone around me is fine. But the truth is that in those moments, I am experiencing real fear. My body thinks that real threat is imminent and has already sent adrenaline pumping through my veins.
What I need to hear is that the moment will pass, that I'm not crazy, and that I'm not alone.

Then I usually need food.

The good news is that I haven't had a full-blown panic attack in at least a month. My fear of restaurants is almost gone and I've started drinking coffee again. Josh makes me laugh on a daily basis and encourages me in between. And, while I miss a lot from last year, I really like my new school.
Now, if September will stop acting like August, we can get this year going.