Let's talk about boys.

Long ago, when I mapped out my life, it looked like this: 

College -> Marriage -> Babies -> Other Cool Stuff

That seemed to be the way other people mapped out their lives, and it sounded good and safe to me.
Particularly the marriage part.

In fact, I vividly remember playing pretend games in which I would "meet someone" and then run to my room, find a ring, proudly shove it onto that special marriage finger and show it off to all of my pretend friends. 

(If Facebook had existed, I'm sure I would've pretended to post a picture of my ring, too.)
(Caption: "The Red Power Ranger proposed...AND I SAID YES!!!!")

Through high school and most of college I prayed diligently for my future husband. I had a list of all the qualities he would have, so that when I met him I would know it was HIM--the guy who would have a few flaws, but would ultimately make my life magical. 

Somewhere in there, I did meet somebody.

 He had pretty blue eyes, opened car doors for me, and knew how to make me laugh. After three years of dating, I was sure. 

The stars had aligned and this was HIM. 

Everything was perfect.

But then it wasn't. 

After the initial explosion and the many aftershocks, I spent the several months picking my heart up off the ground and learning some lessons about self-worth. 

I spent a lot of time after the breakup believing that it happened because I wasn't good enough. 

I wasn't pretty enough

smart enough

funny enough

confident enough

charming enough.

Something must have been wrong with me.

AND THAT WAS A LIE.

I was putting my self-worth in a boy who didn't last and dreams that hadn't come true.

I wasn't putting it in the One Person who never asked me to be enough, who made me exactly the way I am, and who will give me contentment if I just ask for it---without any conditions of my own. 

Since then, I've gotten some well-meaning pieces of advice.

"It'll happen when you least expecting it."

So I tried my hardest...not...to expect it.

"You'll find a man when you are ok with not having one."

So I tried really hard not to want a boyfriend.

"God will give Him to you when you're ready."

So I tried really hard to be ready. 

Whatever that meant.

It's like when someone tells you not to think about polar bears.
Now you're thinking about polar bears, aren't you?
AND YOU CAN'T STOP.
YOU'RE SO FOCUSED ON THE POLAR BEARS.
YOU FEEL LIKE A FAILURE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GET THE POLAR BEARS OFF YOUR MIND.
THAT'S IT, YOU'RE A FAILURE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T EVEN CONTROL YOUR OWN BRAIN.

It wasn't until I threw away all those pieces of advice that I felt better. 

Not that any of it was bad advice, but focusing so intently on not focusing was making me miserable.
So.

I tore up my husband-qualities list because I realized that I was putting unrealistic expectations on men to be perfect. 

I stopped praying for my future husband unless I was also praying for people who were currently in my life.

I stopped trying so hard to make myself right for this future-possible-person.

Instead, I decided to live for right now and love the One who created me to find true contentment in Him alone.
The truth is, I was never promised a spouse.
Even if I get one, he won't fill my needs.
No human was ever meant to.

And why should I complain about one relationship I don't have when I have been given SO MUCH?

For the first time in my life, there is nothing holding me back from being able to say "yes" if the right man wanted to marry me.
But, for the first time in my life, I'm ok with not being asked the question.

I've seen that marriage, just like singlehood, has its ups and downs.

It is not the POINT of life. 

And, while it is a wonderful thing, it will not bring ultimate happiness. 

Every day is not perfect.
Sometimes I wallow in self-pity...and sometimes I belt out Beyonce songs about the wonders of man-less-ness.
But, sometimes, I sit in the sweetness of what I've been given now.
Like friends, family, and good chocolate.